Homily for a Queer Wedding
This piece was originally spoken at the wedding ceremony of two friends and former church members. As lesbians, they had limited options for officiants that were both ministers and enthusiastically affirming. I was absolutely thrilled to fill this need. The women asked for a “sermonette” (a version of which follows). They were such a delight to prepare with, and even more charming on their special day. It was perhaps the most memorable and beautiful rites I’ve had the privilege of sharing in. Because of that resonance, this is the first wedding homily I’ve felt compelled to share more publicly (with their permission). Please feel free to borrow and adapt for your own weddings :)
My wife and I married on a Thursday night one May. Although the timing was strange (right in the middle of spring semester of my senior undergraduate year), the concluding line in our vows was not. It was a famous quotation from a Bible passage this is not uncommon in modern weddings: “Where you go I will go. Where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people. And your god, my god. And may God forbid anything coming in between this commitment we are making today…”
“Where you go I will go. Where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people. And your god, my god. ”
The line comes from the Book of Ruth, a text shared by Jewish and Christian scriptural traditions, and one of only two sacred texts titled after women (the other being Esther). The story old in the book of Ruth centers on an Israelite woman named Naomi. Her life intersects with Ruth’s, a Moabite woman who becomes Naomi’s daughter-in-law after their family relocate to Moab because of a famine back home. After a series of unspeakable tragedies, Naomi and Ruth find themselves childless and as widows. The story in the book of Ruth goes on to describe how Naomi decides to leave Moab for home in Israel. Misogyny isn’t new in our world. And in that time and place, childless (sonless), poor, immigrant, widows were exceedingly vulnerable. When confronted with Naomi’s intent to flee her adopted homeland for the possibility of empathy at home, Ruth vows to go with her. The poetic words she speaks have been repeated since for centuries, including in my wedding.
Most conservative Christians confidently maintain that Naomi and Ruth’s relationship was strictly platonic; nothing more than a mother-daughter bond. Thus, the commitment vow that Ruth makes is commonly regarded as nothing more than one of friendship and familial solidarity. Some recent queer liberation theologians have gently challenged this assumption, pointing out cracks in the text that may indicate greater complexity in the relationship between these famous women. For example, (a) when Ruth “clings” to Naomi, the term is the same used in Genesis 2:24 to describe Adam & Eve’s marriage, (b) the language in Ruth’s vow about adopting Naomi’s God was utilized in ancient marriage rites, (c) the two women cohabitate in Israel with each of them adopting various domestic and societal roles, (d) their plan to have Ruth marry Boaz is absent of romance or expressions of attraction/desire, (e) Ruth “laid at Boaz’s feet” on the threshing floor which is sometimes explained as a euphemism for sex (or for her chastity). It might also be equally taken to indicate her lack of sexual interest, and (f) When Ruth’s son Obed is born, the midwives bring him to Naomi placing him in her arms saying, “here is your son”. According to the text, she cares for him as her own, including ostensibly breastfeeding. Many lesbian woman find resonance in this description, which describes a common experience amongst those who welcome children into their homes.
Obviously, the precise nature of Naomi and Ruth’s love cannot be definitively proven one way or another. But for now, it’s safe to say that part of the reason Ruth’s vows are so compelling and resonant even centuries later, is because it’s beautiful to be with the one we love. Her vows are compelling because it’s glorious to see people self-sacrifice for one another. It’s captivating to witness this kind of sincere love. It’s inspiring tell and to hear such powerful stories of survival.
[The couple’s] wedding invitation included a poem entitled The Orange. It was written by Wendy Cope, and captures the essence of love’s provocativeness.
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.
In the end, the commitments that [these ladies] are making to one another today are quite simple. The church, our cultures, and governments make it complex. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Your presence at this event is therefore a political act whether you fully realize it or not. Misogyny, homophobia, and the hierarchy of patriarchal power have been with us for about as long as our collective human memory. On behalf of LGBTQ+ people, thank you for showing up in this small but meaningful way.
“I love you.
I’m glad I exist.”
[The couple’s] love is valid. It reflects the goodness and love of the Divine. And we are unspeakably privileged to witness their ceremony. In just a moment, they will make formal their solemn commitments to one another. And at their core, these vows share the essence of the holy vow made between Naomi and Ruth many centuries ago. Just as with them, [the couple] will declare,
“Where you go, I will go.
I want to be with you, to do life with you.
Home is wherever you are.”
It’s ironic, you know, about those vows between Naomi and Ruth in the Bible. They’ve been utilized for many generations in the weddings of straight cisgender people to celebrate and validate their marriage commitments. And appropriately so! But when these cis-het folks are confronted by the truth that this vow isn’t strictly appropriate in a wedding context, conservatives and liberals alike frequently respond, “Well…love is love.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. <3