To Sleeve (or Not to Sleeve) Series - #10, My Greatest Fears
(This is part of a series I posted on my other (formerly anonymous) blog, tobypass.wordpress.com. An index of all posts in this series is located at the bottom of this article.)
I’m a realist.
Ok…ok…I’m really a worrier.
And the truth is my inner risk manager really helps me in my life — and he also keeps me from becoming the man i really want to be. So in order to be my best, I’ve got to respect myself, take my fears seriously, but then address them with the truth.
So I want to write a little bit about my fears when it comes to anticipating weight loss surgery. To a degree, I’ve acknowledged a bit of this in a previous post on pros & cons, but this will be a little more focused on the emotion of fear — which in itself isn’t necessarily indicative of ‘pro’ or ‘con’. In addition, I’ll also discuss what I anticipate being my biggest areas of difficulty/challenge post-surgery.
First: I’m afraid of dying.
This risk is admittedly low. And arguably, it’s higher if I continue my current pattern of living without significant change. This is what my primary care physician has said to me in as many words in fact. I talked with my surgeon at the consult last week about this concern and he told me about his group’s success rates. (Of course, I have no way of verifying what he said — but I also have no way of disproving it either). But he told me that in the over 3,000 WLS procedures his group has performed over the past 10+ years, they haven’t lost a single patient on the table — and only 2 within 30 days of surgery. That’s less (.00066%) than the national average which is closer to .25%. This is very encouraging to me. In addition — he also told me that the two who passed away also had key risk factors for this happening that I myself do not have (smokers, alcohol use, diabetics, over 60, etc.)
Never the less, this is a real fear. I will be putting myself into the hands of these people, and I will not know if I survived unless I wake up in the ICU.
Mercy.
Second: I’m afraid of having regrets. Namely. I’m afraid of going through all the effort, inconvenience, expense, and life change — only to fail. Only to have the weight come back. Only to end up right where I am now.
I think the fear here is rooted in shame. I’d be horribly embarrassed if that took place. I don’t know if I could take it. It’d be awful. I asked the doctor in my consult what happens to people when they end up ‘failing’, regaining, going back to square one… I.e., when people fail, what kinds of things have led to it? He told me it usually is simple stuff like drinking calories, not paying attention to eating anymore, constant grazing, etc. This is a little frightening to me because as I’ve discussed, one of the ways I’ve ended up in my current situation has to do with lack of consciousness around eating.
Third: I’m afraid of what it will be like to eat out with friends. I.e. I’m worried it will be awkward only ordering and eating small amounts, getting the stink-eye from waiters for being a low-spender, or even having to explain why I’m not cleaning my plate every single time. I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable by my small eating sizes and I also don’t want to have to give every person I eat out with my full medical history…
So the point is — I’m going to have to be creative and sensitive when it comes to eating out with friends. It has a real chance of being awkward. I’m worried about it.
Fourth: I’m afraid of losing friendships because of spoken or unspoken judgments about my choice to get weight loss surgery. I’m not convinced this decision is going to be a positive one among my peers, parishioners, acquaintances, family members, or colleagues. I anticipate some to be supportive and positive, others to be cold and quiet, and still others to be openly critical.
We live in a culture where people seem to have an increasingly difficult time getting along with those with whom we disagree. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had conversations with people who have de-friended or blocked people on Facebook or quit speaking with folks because they just can’t handle the fact that: they co-sleep with their kids (or not); vaccinate their kids (or not); don’t have a garden; use disposable diapers; vote republican (or democrat); celebrate obamacare (or hate it); own a gun; are gay; used to be the opposite gender; etc etc etc. The lists go on and on. We have an incredibly difficult time understanding one another and seemingly simply sharing the same air as one another.
I anticipate my decision (if I end up doing this) will strain many relationships because it is somewhat controversial — as I have seen just through reading a variety of opinion articles over the past several months. I’m sad about this. But it also is the reality that I need to be brave and do what’s best for my family, my boys, and my health.
If I’m making decisions with my health to make acquaintances and friends comfortable and happy — something deeper is probably wrong with my emotional state 🙂
Fifth: That I’ll get some kind of unforeseen cancer or illness associated with this disease down the road — one currently unknown and un-researched — but that only occurs in people who live with WLS long term. (I’m 34. I’ll live with this thing hopefully for 50+ years).
Of course this is probably the most long-shot-jest of my fears. And both my doctors completely brushed it off as unreasonable — especially given my current state of health affairs. In fact, one said quite bluntly that getting cancer at 70 is much preferable than having a heart attack or diabetes at 50 which is where I’m headed at my current rate. That stung a bit. But i felt the truth in it.
———————-
So those are the big 5 fears at the moment. Maybe there should be others that I’m overlooking. Maybe these are all unreasonable. But these are the ones that dominate my thoughts at the moment.
I wonder if they’ll shift over time?
I wonder if they’ll change as I near a surgery date (If I so choose…)?
Here’s to embracing reality!!
